wOOOw alOt has qOne On lately....my parents fOUnd Out i have an eatinq disOrder....i cryed nOnstOp knOwinq --d-- fact that my mOther nOw knOws her baby has a EATING DISORDER. i dOnt even knOw hOw tO faceher anymOre. I feel disgusting when I'm near her. She tOld me she knew a lOng time abOut twO years agO. I just cryed when she explained it tO me because I can't believe she's nOticed fOr twO years when I've had it fOr fOur. It's nOt --d-- fact that she didnt knOw fOr all fOur years that upsets me, but --d-- fact that it's been qOinq On this lOnq...nOw everyOne's fOUnd Out. My sistersz knOw, my family knOws, and --d-- best Of it all my b.f Of 9 mOnths which i lOve very much nOw knOws. It sux. Even if he's very suppOrtive its crayze b.c nOw it seems like he's develOpinq it, and i feeel like its my fault. But this isnt sOmethinq that yOu can just develOp. It's a lifestyle that yOu dOnt chOse. It cOnsumes yOur thOughts. It brings dOwn --d-- little self-esteem yOu might have. It's all yOu think abOut. CARLORIES, FAT, GREASE, BIG CHUNKS, PURGING. YOu can't think Of nethinq else & if yOu dO yOU start thinkinq abOut it all bcuz yOu knOw it isnt qOinq anywhere. I've been like this fOr fOur years. i'll try & stOp & I might fOr a cOuple Of weeks buh i'll see --d-- fat startinq tO cOme Out & I can't take it anymOre!!! I just want tO destrOy this!!! yOu think it's nOrmal fOr a 12 year Old tO want tO make herself thrOw up, cut herself, want tO rip --d-- skin Of her bOnes, cOmmit suicide sO she wOnt have tO see her hideOus self? Others think nOt buh i think sO since it MY LIFE. & that's hOw its alwayz been. I have twO sisters that are my best friends. we're nOt like nOrmal sisters. We have a bONd unlike I've ever seen. They're my everythinq. tOO bad there perfect & I'm --d-- ugly ducklinq. I'm --d-- fat One!!! ALl --d-- dOctOrs tell me O ur at a very qOOd weight 112 pOUnds. my eyes Opened WIDE! My sisters sai they dOnt knOw why im like this. They dOn't knOw why i think they are skinnier when in reality dey weigh much mOre, but I dOnt see dat! WHy O WHy can't I see it? nOw all everyOne want's tO dO in my family is qet me help. There lOOkinq 4 a psychOlOgist as I write this! I dOnt wan't help! I dOnt need help! This is --d-- Only thinq in --d-- wOrld i have cOntrOl Over & they're tryinq tO take it awai!! WHY? WHY? WHY? I stOpped --d-- cuttinq. I stOpped --d-- suicide attempts. & I WONT STOP THIS!!! i lOve my family friends & bf tO death but i cant give up --d-- Only thinq dah helps me trOuqh life. I CANT & I WONT! It might be --d-- end Of my b.f & me, but I really hOpe it isnt. I knOw he wants me tO stOp but i can't stOp beinq whO I am. This is whO I am. Im Simply Me, SImply ImperfectiOn. But Once I'm nOt a hideOus beast.....I will finally be PERFECT...Until Next Time..
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bubblesz0392's journal
